Is Your Woman Too Frustrated To Have Sex With You?

Okay, there is one word you must, must, must completely get out of your sexual vocabulary: “destination.”

And there are two words you must, must, must get burned into your sexual vocabulary: “ journey” and “anticipation.”

Now, I know this sounds completely ass-backwards to men. And there is a good chance you’ve heard this concept before, and the cliché that it’s not the destination, but the journey that counts. Well, all that is true, but I’m going to tell you why it’s true. And no, it has nothing to do with foreplay. Yes, women “require” more foreplay sometimes, but not always. There have been times I have told  him “no foreplay, let’s just do it.” Because it’s all about the trick of a woman’s body. Her body is often as much a mystery to her as it is to you, so if you are focused on the destination, she will feel frustrated with her own body and possibly with your lack of understanding, or with your pressure to get to the destination. And if she is frustrated, she is in her head and nothing is going to work right.

Just like guys need to know that things like size, stamina and performance aren’t a make-or-break kind of thing, women get insecure about the way their bodies work, too. She needs you to accept the difficulty of it and understand that it’s not your fault. If you could get this to sink in and sink in deep, a woman wouldn’t feel the need to fake her orgasm. My body is exceptionally more difficult than most, or so I’ve been told.  And I love it. That’s totally fine with me. I love that my body is a mystery in some ways still, even to me.

If you could let the beauty of her body’s mystery enchant you and captivate you, then the destination would no longer matter, and you could give her the freedom and security to let go and not have to worry about climaxing for you. And guess what? She probably will, then. Once you stop stressing about it and stop stressing her about it, she will stop stressing about it.

There is nothing worse for a woman than feeling like she has to try really hard to make sex happen. Learn her body, every nook and cranny, because it’s not always going to be the “hot spots” that get her the most hot. For me, when my guy touches my shoulders,  I am just gone. That’s awesome to me. I’m enchanted by my own body and the way it works, just as much as he is.

Give her that opportunity–the chance to stop stressing out over sex, and the chance to become enchanted by her own body. The whole purpose of a woman seeming to “need” foreplay is because she needs to be turned on enough that she gets out of her head and just goes with it. But what if she feels completely secure, completely comfortable with sex with you? You’d be surprised how little foreplay is needed then.


The second word you must get burned into your mind is “anticipation.” Anticipation is gold for a woman. The reason foreplay is unnecessary is because foreplay has very little to do with what foreplay actually is: getting her in the mood. I have a high sex drive. I don’t need to be put “in the mood,” but I do need to be pulled out of my head sometimes.

The reason foreplay seems to be so crucial is because it is often not understood exactly what its purpose is, so we use it like a Band-Aid solution rather than digging deeper. I am all about digging deeper with everything in life. I always look at what motivates us as humans to do what we do.

Anticipation is crucial because for a woman sex is about surrender–a surrender of control, a surrender to her body and a surrender to the man she is with. Now, most women come to learn to surrender to their body and to the way it works, thus getting to orgasm, but they may not be surrendering control or surrendering to you.

I never did. Being a dancer, I know my body. I’m rarely not in control of it, and I very rarely ever surrendered to any guy until my guy came around. He understood that the journey was way more important than the destination and that anticipation is what brings out a woman’s desire to surrender to her body, to the man she is with and his control. And he never said these things to me. It wasn’t like we had a conversation about it. He just showed me this, and I knew he got it, that he understood what mattered most.

For a woman, the anticipation of surrender is like skydiving  or bungee jumping. The thrill is in the moment she lets go and throws herself over the edge or out of the plane, and because her own body is such a mystery, surrendering is always a much bigger risk.

But anticipation doesn’t require hours and hours of foreplay. The thrill is in the moment of surrender. The moment before she jumps out of the plane. The longer she waits in the plane to jump, the more scared she will be and the less intense the moment. Foreplay is actually much like this. The longer you draw it out, trying to get her “in the mood,” the more likely she is not to  jump, or the intensity will just be gone.

So, learn her body and then push those buttons. Like I said, my man touches my shoulders and I am just gone. It doesn’t take hours and hours of foreplay. And every woman is like this. She has what I call sweet spots, buttons that if you push them, her eyes get cloudy and her skin heats up.

And then watch and see the magic that anticipation creates in a way foreplay never has.

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