What Does The Old Adage “Be Friends First” Have To Do With Dating?

Perhaps the key to a successful and long lasting relationship is true friendship.  Without friendship, you are having nothing but a sexual affair.  This is the reason so many relationships and families are torn apart, or end up in court or with the police department involving itself in the personal lives of your relationship and family. In these cases, quite simply, your partner was never your true friend.  Who needs a friend that would treat you worse than an enemy?

I think most people in today’s fast-paced society do not actually understand the true meaning of the word friend, which leads them to failure.  So let’s clear up the confusion and define it here. I like to use the definition from an old plaque I found in a home I purchased years ago; my sense of the definition of a friend were so explicitly transcribed thereupon that it was undeniable.

A friend is a person…

who will help you in the hour of sickness

who will lend a dollar without deducting the interest

who will help you uphill when you are sliding down

who will defend you in the hour when others speak evil of you

who will believe in your innocence until you admit your guilt

who will say behind your back what he says in your face


who will do all these things without expecting return.

(author unknown)

Take a moment to reflect on these words and then ask yourself the following questions:

Have you been a true friend to your significant other? Has your significant other been a true friend to you? Have you experienced a lack of friendship in your past or current relationships?

The problem and its solution may lie in the fact that you were never truly friends.

Many of our modern day relationships are not friendships at all, but are built more like business partnerships with prerequisites,  such as credit checks, FICO scores, employment and educational level for example, and conditions that, if not met, land the partners in court. Once again, if you have experienced this type of relationship and break up, you know that person was never your friend. He or she did not demonstrate the care, understanding, and respect demonstrated in the above definition.

As I look back on my past relationship successes and failures, I myself can now see that woman who was a true friend and those women in those failed relationships that were never truly my friends at all, but rather wanted something for their own benefit.  A friend wants to make you better, not see you down in the dirt.  Anybody who intentionally tries to hurt you or plot against you is not truly a friend, but an enemy.  Thus the phrase “sleeping with the enemy” rings true!

A woman who has cheated on you was never your true friend and if it was with your best friend she had an affair with, I would say neither person was your friend (Cheating Signs Part II; 7 Reasons why a man would never know a woman cheated!).

We move through life so fast these days that we often overlook, under-appreciate, and take for granted a person who has been a true friend in our corner.  We often want the relationships we see on TV and in the movies, but do not want to put forth the necessary effort and certainly do not want to forgive when a person makes a mistake (Learning the Art of Forgiveness is a must to Attracting a Successful Relationship).  This is how modern TV programming has taught us to respond to adversity in our relationships.

Who gains from these court battles between former lovers? When we end up in court rooms giving our hard-earned money to a brittle system and not to our families, who really wins? Instead of investing in our family and children’s future, we spend money watching some unreal version of a dream, then spend it fighting when that peddled vision and our lives don’t look the same. No wonder we can’t get ahead! These actions are the opposite of what God and Jesus (Yeshua) taught, and the opposite of what God intended for your life.

The seeds of dissension and the traps they lead to are sown within our minds at an early age. Are you valuing one gender above the other? Remember that you were born of man and woman. Were you taught that women are so strong and independent they they should not need or want a man? Remember that you were born of man and woman. Were you taught that a father is disposable instead of uniquely yet equally as important as a mother? (What is the proper role of a man in a relationship?). How can that be, when you are born of both man and woman?

Stop destroying your relationships and families because you have been confused and mis-educated by man’s (Satan) plans for your life.  Why do you think relationships are getting worse and not better?  If you keep following the same cycle, you will keep getting the same failed results. Anyone who’s ruined a load of laundry by throwing in bleach with their many colored clothes isn’t going to repeat that mistake. Why repeat mistakes with our much more valuable lives?

Love, which I equate with true friendship, I have yet to see better defined than in 1st Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Our relationships fail because either you or he or both have not been true friends. We have envied, we have boasted and kept score, and consequently, we did not truly love each other. As you can see from both definitions of friendship and love, within true love all mistakes are forgiven, we are not self centered, we keep no records of wrong, we do not kick a person when he or she is down but rather help them up.

But these images of perfect yet disposable relationships we see on TV? They’re drama, folks. They make problems in order to keep viewers. But in true relationships, we want to solve problems in order to keep our families.

Dig a little deeper below the surface. Did you discover that you’ve been involved in a sexual affair, not a relationship? Next time, look for someone who treats you as a friend, and ask the same of yourself in your treatment of them. Please note: if you are the most important person in the relationship, then a friend indeed you are not.

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